I just recently turned 28 year old, which means, if I understand this correctly, I have now entered the 29th year of my life. How dandy. Now, I have noticed that a bunch of people have used the social networking site FACEBOOK to wish me a ‘happy birthday.’ FACEBOOK offers an option to ‘like’ a comment or post, and I indiscriminately chose to ‘like’ some of these posts thrown my way this past 16th of October—my birthday. Of course, (GOD) I couldn’t possibly like or comment on all of these. FACEBOOK told me 69 people offered up some sort of congratulations or kind thought on or around my birthdate. Sixty-nine people. Too many to thank individually. Okay, sure then, I’ll just throw up some FACEBOOK post thanking the folks that took a second or two out of their (surely) busy schedule to let me know that THEY know that I am still living and breathing. Just to assure them that their wishes of happiness on this average, but apparently meaningful day of my life, have not gone unnoticed. 

But then I said, ‘fuck it,’ I WILL give them all some sort of specialized appreciation. You guys are great, and special, and beautiful, and unique, which of course means no one is unique, we’ve just destroyed uniqueness, but I love you anyway, so here we go:

Carrie Griffin: First blood! Nice. Yes, Carrie, I do age now. I have decided to forgo the various rites and sacrifices on the road to becoming an immortal, amoral, timeless wizard of the infinity and instead decided to just, y’know, I mean… fucking why bother? Like, everyone else will be gone and then I’ll just be around with dumb wizard powers? Stupid. Pointless. I’m over it.

Anyway, thanks old friend. I miss you nearly every day. Let’s go back to college together. Let’s finish that web series.

Chapa: Dude, thanks for the wishes. That last trivia night was a blast I thought. Congrats on winning my stupid, nearly incomprehensible round. You left your Nerf football, man. You also missed Zach and Nick and I (and Trisha) winning a very close, drunken game of street “football.”

So, uh, I guess you didn’t actually miss much. We entertain ourselves don’t we?

(sigh) *looks off into distant horizon pensively*

Scott Madison: Scott! Thank you for the wishes, and thank you for lunch! You’ve really made me feel welcome at LD, man. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for simultaneously dealing with my stupid jokes and terrible ping pong skills. I’ll start taking lessons, posthaste.

Janie Lewicki: Thanks Janie! You’ve, like, become, like a part of our goddamn family. I mean, I’ll always be thankful for you letting us use your house to throw my Dad’s 70th bday party. Also, you’re one of the few people I know that seems to see every movie that comes out in theaters. I can only assume you’ve got that time-clock-thingie that Hermione used in the Chamber of Secrets to take multiple classes. Which, let’s face it, cheating academia isn’t nearly as fun (or ethical) as just watching a bunch of movies. What I’m trying to say is, you’re cooler than Ms. Granger. Or Mrs. Weasley, right? Ugh, I can’t believe she married Ron. Talk about settling…

Susan Barnard: SUSAN! Thank you so much! You remain one of my favorite teachers from High School. And I’m not just saying that cuz I’m friends with your daughter *insert appropriate emoji*

Naw, like, really… Your Psych class was awesome. I learned so much. And I still to this day recall you explaining how people learn differently and using me as an example. So many teachers in the past had written off my constant doodling during classes as mindless escapism. You knew what was up. You rocked then, and you rock now. (Let’s grab chips and queso soon)

Tammy Spracklan: One of my favorite bosses hired me to one my first, (and favorite) jobs. I’ll always be in debt to you Tammy for hiring me and introducing me into the Amy’s Ice Creams family. I recall your spade skills to this day. I remember seeing what you did with the cream, thinking to myself, ‘I’ll never get that good,’ and then… never actually getting that good. Sure, I’ve slung some cream, I’ve earned some tips, I’ve impressed some people (children, all of them) but you… you were a master.

Brian Shofner: Oh Brian. Thank you sir, for the wishes. I will get you that Steam info one of these days. And I WILL finish ‘It Hurts’ and ‘Homestuck.’ Promise. I wish either I would’ve been born a couple of years earlier, or you born a couple of years later. Y’know, just so we could’ve improvised together more in college. Ah. Well, that’s what time machines are for. Will be for. When they become invented.

Will this post change if a time machine is invented and utilized to go back and somehow change the dates of our birth… wait, I mean, if the dates of our birth are somehow altered… how does that work, would we like, be different people? I mean, we would be… ah. You know, forget this. I, I don’t know where I’m going here.

Cristen Van Vleet: Thank you Cristen! And yes, I am getting too old, though I’m told I’m still young. Of course, no one younger than me says that. Only people older than me. Ugh. It’s all relative. I try daily to hug my world. I need to visit. I need to do a lot of things. I need to raise a glass. We need to raise a glass together… You should visit here! No, wait… no I’ll come to New York. It’s been too long. And I owe you meals and stuff. You helped me out so much while I was over on the East Coast. In so many ways. Thank you. For that. And for the birthday wishes. Just, thanks.

John Newton: Oh, Johnny Newton. Remember UIL? Remember Foxtales? I hope married life is a blast. We gotta see each other again. Hang out. Film shit. I haven’t seen you since Edwards and I stopped by your place when you were newlywed and picked up all that beer. Dude… I was so fucking hungover after your wedding. I wined myself up, hardcore.

And Whitesnake! Fuck, the regrets… (No one else read this but me and John. I don’t know what I’m talking about)

Brittany Schlosser: Brittany! Thanks, grrl. I miss interning with you. One of these days our paths will cross again and it’ll be magical. We’ll probably team up together to defeat some bullshit android army intent on taking over the world, and then we’ll like, get to know each other a lot better. When you stop armies from taking over worlds with someone, you grow with them. It’s like, a special thing, y’know? I mean, we just never hung out THAT much in NY, and a piece of me regrets that.

(Keep in mind, my whole being is made up of tiny pieces of regret. It’s a pretty spectacular fact when you think about it…)


Miranda Lugo: Ooooh shit, Miranda. Thank you! Hope you and Luke are holding down Killeen. I Of course, when martial law get declared get the hell out of there. You’re right next to a military base, or some shit. Of course, if a zombie or vampire (or werewolf) apocalypse happens, just sit tight. You guys are also next to a bunch of strip clubs and those things are totally built to survive post-apocalyptic settings.

Jackie Purdy-Andrews: Jackie, you cast me in my first college play ever. You believed in me when no one else did. Or, like, maybe the one acts just didn’t have a lot of male actors auditioning and you had to just take what you could get. I dunno. Whatever the story, thank you. First time I took my pants off on stage. First (and only) time I played a stalker. It was a trip. I’ll never forget it. Thank you!

John Herrara-Fraustro: Oh shit, thanks man. Dude, you seriously can do, like, a lot of pullups. I mean, I was drunk at that homebrew trivia night, but I remember being very impressed. And you don’t skip leg days. Most impressive, mother fucker. Haha, naw, but really man, if we were like in an M Night Shyamalan movie, I’d stick around you. I mean, any horror movie, really. You definitely wouldn’t be the murderer and you’d be able to fuck up whatever we come across.

I said Shyamalan movie because I figure if I find myself in one of his, the twist could be I survive.

Rashd Ibrahim: Ah, shit man, thank you. We didn’t really hang out too much in college, but your FACEBOOK posts are always top tier to be sure. Also, I liked your turn of phrase in wishing me a happy birthday. ‘Happy day of birth’ indeed. I appreciate the thought.

Danielle Roberts: Oh, Danielle. Thank you. Right on, indeed! Look, if I’m going to be completely honest, you were robbed during ‘American Shane.’ You should have gotten my spot. Hands down. And this is me saying this, Shane. I dunno… fucking politics, y’know?

Amy Kalmbach: Aw, thanks Amy. If you were wondering at all, I did have a wonderful birthday. Now, I don’t want you to go taking all of the credit for the wonderfulness of my birthday, but you did wish it on me, and it did happen. The wonder that is. So, y’know, I can’t say you weren’t a direct cause to the wonder and such that happened. Like, all I’m saying is you were probably a factor.

Long story short, I wish we would’ve been closer in college. I always identified you as wicked smart and cool af.

Katherine Hutchins: Whoa ho ho, thank you Katherine. Man. God. Fuck, I’m embarrassed. I mean, like, remember that time we met and then literally (LITERALLY) the next day I asked you out via FACEBOOK? Talk about pathetic. Anyway, you’re cool as cucumber and made me laugh and were rockin some bitchin glasses. And honestly, that’s the best intro you could have gotten of me. Life is too short to crush over person after person without the people you’re crushing on being aware of your crushed status. Or, err, that is to say, I try to be as transparent as possible. Fuck heart on the sleeve; I pay for billboard space.

Whatever. The Decemberists rock.

Kassie-James Purpura: Aw, thanks Kassie. Dang, I am so sorry I haven’t been available lately for weddings and stuff. I mean, working with CWAT is not really work… it’s like a badass party. I have so much fun with you guys and I miss everyone terribly. I promise, soon I’m gonna get my shit together and start picking up shifts. You are, legit, one of the best bosses I’ve ever had, in every aspect. I learned a lot working the catering life, and that being the case, I owe you a lot. You are a rock star.

Daniel Mikelonis: Ooh, I had a birthday alright. Shit man. It’s been too long. If you’re ever in Austin, hit me up. Or, like, hit up people we both know and let’s bother them together. I don’t know about you, but my bothering skills are top notch right now. It’s pretty much the only thing I’ve improved upon since college. Oh god, I bother like no one else. I should teach a class. I should open up a school.

Hit me up if you’re interested. Currently hiring for all positions.

Vanessa Linn: Haha, I appreciate it Vanessa. You give me hope for my future adult life. I mean, we’re pretty close in age, but you’ve got shit down. We’ve gotta get together, get drunk, and talk about life and stuff. I feel like whenever we hang out we always end up talking about sex and relationships, and then that goes to theater and then we gossip, and then, like, we’re still drunk, and it’s just the best. Oh, and usually there’s a cat hanging around, and that’s cool. Cats are cool.

I dunno. I always try and glean as much wisdom from you as I can when we chill.

Thanks for the wishes!

Tian Car: Tian! Thank you! You know, for us working in the same restaurant I feel like we hung out a criminally few amount of times. And didn’t you like, live right about Cowgirl? Dang. Well, you know how it goes: if I’m ever in NY or you’re ever in the ATX we need to meet up and toss around stories and such. I want to hear about school! Also, you’re selfie game is fucking insane. Like, Kylie Jenner’s got nothing on you, grrl. Teach me your ways. I’m not ridiculously good looking like you are, but I feel like I can learn the necessary angles to fool people…

Sam Pruneda: Damn dude. Thanks for the wishes. Fuck, we gotta hang. I miss you dude. I still feel like we can be the ultimate wingmen together. I mean, imagine if we were at a wedding as guests instead of working it. Like, together. Oh, shit. Yes. We go as each other’s dates. I mean, straight dates, y’know? And like, we work that angle. I don’t know, it sounds weird typing it, but we could make it work. With your charm and looks and my… uh… dialogue? Fuck.

Well, with your charm and looks, we’d wreck shop. … Whatever that means within the context of a wedding.

Timmy P Sopapilla: Oh man, thanks! Damn, we haven’t seen each other in a while. Oh, the simple days of CHS. Well, I guess not so simple. Okay, simple in hindsight, but at the time, wasn’t everything so confusing? The band work/drama alone was pretty crazy. Well, anyway, thanks for the hoppy potty wishes. I will cherish them forever. Or, at least until I die. Honestly, I can’t say what my priorities will be when I’m a ghost or angel or whatever. Maybe I won’t be into cherishing stuff then. Who knows?

Jessica Keller Leahy: Thanks cos! Little baby Shane is already clearly better with words than I am. Short, to the point, sincere. I’m sure I have a lot to learn from him.

I can’t wait to see you guys again! When will that be? Thanksgiving? Christmas? I’m never in the loop… Anyway, the next time we see each other won’t be soon enough. Hope all is well! Give my regards to Luke and the rest of the fam. Much love!

Michael Cook: Ah, thanks Michael. Honestly man, we don’t see each other nearly enough for both living in Austin. I blame myself. But also the distance. And then, of course, the traffic. Traffic is awful. It’s easy to blame. I also blame time. As you’ve read this… you’ve become older. And so have I! We all have. Ugh. What a life. Thanks TMBG for pointing out the obvious we never think about.

Sam Cummings: Aw, man. Thanks, Sam. I hope you’re still writing. I often think about some of the classes we had together, and I always really enjoyed your ideas and prose. Also, how’s the library stuff going? Hope all is well. And dude, if you’ve discovered some secret, parallel universe, uh, lemme in on that shit dude. Don’t Bogart the multiverse secrerts.

Kendric Witt: Thank ya, friend! I really have enjoyed hanging with you recently. I really hope you, me, and Edwards can keep meeting and chatting and shit. You’re definitely one of my few connects to the ‘real adult world.’ I mean, you’ve got a legit job, you’re married (Hi Katie!) and a motherfucking kid. And, like a real house. Damn, dude. Keep on keepin on, yo.

Paula Richardson: Mrs. R! You taught me so much about journalism, and, well, just writing in general. Newspaper was always one of my favorite classes. I actually miss indesign, can you believe it? Is that what we used? I can’t remember. Man, winning a Pacemaker with Mr. Webb was probably the highlight of my life. Hahah, ahh… all downhill from that point. But, god what a peak!

Christine J. Schmidt: Christine, you have no idea how much you helped me celebrate my bday. NO IDEA. Thank you. Hey, remember that time we tried to watch Antichrist? Haha, oh god that was great. I mean, honestly, when we sat down to watch that shit, I did know I would see a Fox eating itself and barking ridiculous platitudes… but I didn’t know we were going to see full-on fucking. I mean, there was actual penetration! I’m still not positive that WASN’T Willem Defoe’s dick. Ha, what the hell Lars von Trier?

Anyway, I can’t wait to see you this November. I. Can’t. Wait.

Jered Ward: And what a day it was. Thanks a bunch ole roomie. Man, I miss you. You were always one of those guys that made me feel smarter just by being in the same room with you. Like, honestly, you’re so well read, so articulate, and funny as fuck, to boot. I found one of your mixes you made me from college but it was scratched as fuck and wouldn’t play. Fuckin compact discs…

anyyyyway, I hope all is well, and I hope our physical forms bump into each other again in this nasty fucking world. Stay golden, guv.

Chris Balcom: GG

(Man, fuck, damn. I’m so sorry I didn’t make it to your wedding. Sorry Ashley! I have no excuse, I’m just a shitty adult that didn’t get his shitty shit together in time. I want to see you tho, bb. I miss your face, and your drawings, and your jokes. Don’t go changing, gorgeous.

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Rachel J Brenner: Ahh, thanks Rachel! Man, I owe you an apology. I wish I kept up communication with you when I moved to NY. Looking back, one of my biggest regrets is not writing more letters. Especially to you… Anyway, you were way to hardcore for me. I’m an amateur in this life, in all things. You’re strictly professional. Hope things are good and the bikes you own have solid brakes and even better tires.

Elisa Ann Regulski: Thanks Elisa! You’re definitely someone I see on FACEBOOK and get jealous of on like, a weekly basis. Your life seems so fucking cool. I’ve gotta make it out and see you perform sometime. Or, like, I wanna some of your acting! Watch, 10 years down the road, I’ll be a janitor at Cannes (do they have janitors working Cannes) and some movie you wrote, starred, directed, edited, and scored will be playing to like a million fucking people, and I’ll be watching, and then I’ll accidently step in a mop bucket, because it’ll be 2025 and we’ll still have non-hovering, bullshit mop buckets.

A guy can dream.

Nikola Knezevic: Thanks, brother. I mean, I think a ‘thank you’ is in order. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you wished me ‘happy birthday,’ but y’know, I don’t speak Croatian. I guess I could use Google’s shitty translator to get an approximate translation, but ignorance is bliss. Also, I’m lazy. Blissfully lazy. Hey, will I see you this weekend?

Kirk Andrew Everist: Eyy, Prof! Thanks for the sentiments. And, obviously, thank you for so much more. You essentially introduced me to one of my great loves in life: improv. I’ll always be grateful for the knowledge you gave me, the technique, the theory… damn, I mean you knew your stuff. I really feel like I learned from one of the best. Of course, like so many of my other loves (poetry, the color pink, Carly Rae Jepsen, anime, roleplaying and trading card games, polka, Weezer-post Blue album) I get made fun of a lot for liking improv… It doesn’t help that I’m mediocre, white, cis male who identifies mostly as straight that was raised Catholic but now identifies as Agnostic. Haha, god, I am the most expendable kind of human on the planet. I have to convince myself to keep on breathing on a daily basis! What a laugh.

Anyway, you’ve helped me though the magic of Theater and DnD. Thank you, sir.

Chaz Kangas: Dude, thank you! It was a most chill and spectacular Shaneday. Man, I wish we would’ve have talked more about hip hop and stuff. I feel like the only times we really hung out was whenever we rode the elevator together, which is a shame. Hey! Remember that time we totally got stuck in it together? That was pretty great, all things considered. Seriously, you were the best person to be trapped in that metal deathtrap with. Hope all is well, and I enjoy your creative output immensely. Keep on keepin on, Chaz.

John Gilmer: Hey, cos! Thanks for the wishes. It’s been awhile, eh? I hope life phenom for ya, right now. One of these days we gotta catch up and discuss what we’re going to do when the country fall apart and we have to live in a post-Democratic America, run by like, lizard people or something. I don’t know. I never listen to Alex Jones or Limbaugh. But, I mean, they’re sound so fucking crazy, they’ve got to be telling the truth, right? Like, I can’t DISPROVE invisible microchips are in my bran muffins. So… y’know, I just don’t eat bran muffins anymore.

Whoo.. that took a turn. Okay. Uh. Thanks again for the wishes, and let’s meet up in Yosemite again soon, for old times’ sake.

Meredith Garcia: Thank you, Meredith! Hope the Garcia clan is doing well and holding it down. I mean, I’m sure you guys are. Y’all are pretty much like, the coolest family I know. In fact, you guys give me hope for ‘families’ as a concept. Like, I look at the world and watch the news and listen to Donald Trump spit out invisible shit that somehow becomes audible and forms into a crude representation of human speech, and I get bummed out. But then I see you guys, and things seem a whole lot better.

Let’s have a Gannaway-Garcia meeting sometime in the near future…

Adam Magana: Magana! Hope all is well, sir. Thank you for the wishes. I feel like it’s been… what, a decade since we laid eyes on each other in real life? I don’t know. And honestly, my memory isn’t what it used to be. What with that ghost-android that’s been visiting me in my dreams and slowly taking away chunks of my brain. Or, hey, maybe I’m just dreaming someone has been stealing my mind while I dream. … I watched Inception recently looking for answers and came up short. Ugh. THANKS FOR NOTHING, CHRIS NOLAN.

Libby Brooks: Thanks Libby! Life is treating me like it treats everyone: with a cold, indifference that borders on cruelty. Haha, only joshing you. Indifference is a human state I’ve applied to the abstract concept of ‘life.’ I mean, what is even ‘living’?!? Annnnywayys, I hope you’re rocking Nashville. Go to honkytonks, smash glass over bars, dance on and around poles, and never apologize for being a bad bitch. That’s what I do and I regret, like… well… I regret most things. Fuck. Okay. New advice… don’t take my advice. Don’t take anyone’s advice. Advice is for chumps.

Chase Moreno: Oh YOU, I’m blushing… go ON.

Hahahah, aahhh Chase, I hope you had a killer birthday. Here’s to hoping we meet up at Barton Springs again sometime in the (hopefully near) future. Like, if I’m going to run into anyone while I’m cold, half-naked, and surrounded by children… I want that person to be you. Start stalking me or something man, I miss you!

Zach Kaplan: Thank you, thank you. Dude, you know I could never Shange. I tried once, and well, it wasn’t pretty. No, I think I’ll just sit here, sipping coffee, slowly accepting the impending insanity that I seems to be creeping along the edges of my consciousness. It’s not bad, really! This coffee… it’s black, which is like, the only way to drink coffee. Right? I don’t know. I’ve seen people put milk in it. But, doesn’t it become something other than coffee at that point? What’re the rules in this life? on coffee…?

Keep eating asparagus, or whatever I guess; keep pissing.

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Alicia Hines: Hey Alicia! Thank you. Man, it was really great seeing you at Kathleen’s place the other night. I hope you’re feeling better, by the way. And I hope we can hang out again soon! You definitely have some crazy super power that can make bad or mediocre times awesome, and fun, and exciting. I don’t know, you were probably born with it.

Jackee Trinidad: Hey, Jackee! Thanks! Where have you been lately!? (Other than NY, obviously… which I am jealous about!) Yea, I mean, like, I guess I’ve been around. I live in a tiny-ass apartment now, so it’s hard to throw parties and stuff… haha, I kind of miss the benefits of a house, y’know? Anyway, let’s hand sometime! Let’s get drinks, or brunch, or both. We can catch up. You can tell me about NY, and I can close my eyes and pretend I’m there. (You’ll need to make city noises to complete the effect. I’ve got a good imagination, so a little goes a long way.)

Thomas Hurd: Thanks, dude! Hey, remember when we were like, extras or whatever in that short film? That was fun. Let’s do that again. You seemed like a cool guy, and I imagine we’d get along famously. Not that us getting along will, like, make use famous. But fuck, maybe it will. Who knows? Weird animal relationships go viral on the internet all the time. Let’s hire someone to film us hanging out, (never looking at the camera) and then just sit back and wait for the fan mail to roll in.

Emily Polivka-Searle: Gracias, Emily! Hey. I think I brought this up to you when I wished you a ‘happy birthday’ via the FACEBOOK, but remember those road trips from and to Sherman!? Those were always a blast. Lucky me Austin College had so many rad folk from Austin going there. (I’m not talking about you though, CARRIE! Leander is not Austin! I will never submit!)

LAURA: You’re the bamf, grrl. Thanks for the wishes, and I obviously miss you terribly. I want to see you again, sometime, before I turn to dust. Or grass. Oooh, what am I going to turn into when I die? That’s a good question. Okay, when we hang out again (it’s inevitable) we will discuss what we’ll probably turn into when we expire. And then we’ll make bets on what we reincarnate as. This way, we’ll owe each other money after death, so out consciousness will have to transfer from this form to the other. Like, you know, in order to keep the sanctity of the bet…

Bobby Toerner: Thanks cos…. how’s it going? Can’t wait till the next family gathering so we can chill and shoot the shit and whatnot. Hope you end up rocking out at college soon. Remember dude, you can always text, email, instant message, write, call me… whatever. Like, I’m a goddamn font of wisdom, dude. Utilize me! I mean, immediate family is cool and all (I guess), but sometimes you need advice from your godless, liberal, hippy, cousin from Austin. (That’s me, btw)

Jeremy Constancio: Jeremy, goddammit, why didn’t we hang out in NY more? Where are you now? (haha, ahh… now I just have that Justin Bieber song stuck in my head) Dude, remember when we fucking rocked band together? Holy hell, we were monsters. Or, not really monsters. I mean, all we did is play French Horn… oh shit, you were drum major. That’s pretty chill… I think I was secretary or something, senior year. Haha, I remember I was like, the only senior that didn’t get section leader but I gamed the system and got elected into (band) office and ended up with power and pull regardless of what Sperry wanted! Fuck, I should have gone into politics. I mean, I’m clearly incompetent, but I can garner quite a few votes through popularity alone.

Okay, I digress. Poorly. Let’s chill soon, mister.

Orlando Villarreal: Damn. Thanks man. What’s good? What’s been going on in life for you? You excited about Star Wars? You have any next-gen consoles? You a PC or Mac person? Do you believe in the existence of extraterrestrials? Did you see that weird unexplained cloud-thingie video that was filmed over the Miami airport? What was that? What is anything? Why are we here? Where is here? What’s the point of it all? Did you like the Avengers sequel more than the first one? Why can’t I read lips just from watching people talk?

Zoe Drew: Happy bday to me? Happy bday to you! I hope everything is awesome in your life, just like that LEGO movie song. You know, I never saw the LEGO Movie. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway, I miss working with ya, grrl. Nature Center was a chill job, and those parties during the summer were fucking awesome. Haha, remember Barton Springs? Those fucking lifeguards… ahhh, gaaawwd, good times. I’ll say it again. Let’s bump into each other dt sometime. But like, let’s make it random, okay? Okay. Cool. See you soon.

Carissa Braun: Hey Carissa, thanks! Hope you’re doing well, wherever you are. Y’know, sometimes I think that when people graduate from college a weird wave of mystery just washes over their life and they kind of disappear. Like, where did you go? What are you doing? Whatever. I’m sure it’s awesome. Damn. You don’t owe me any answers. Forget it. Forget I said anything at all.

(and thank you, again.)

Kaleigh Carter: Heeyyy, Ms. Carter. I know we already hung out are allotted two times for this year, but maybe we could squeeze a third one in there sometime? I mean, I won’t keep my fingers crossed. One, it’s like, impossible to go through life with your fingers crossed; and two, crossing fingers doesn’t do shit.

Anyway, yes. Hang out. Talk about life. Abstractions. Vegetable plates. Farming. Lucifer Effect. Pantry organizing. I don’t even know what I’m listing right now. Stay classy, and let’s drink liquor together soon.

Andrew Lott: Ehh, man. Thanks. You know, every time I see your FACEBOOK profile I think about FLCL and I get happy. That show was a goddamn revelation. Anyway, thanks again, and I hope all is well, dude. Sometimes, I look up at the sky and think, I wonder if Andrew is looking at the same sky. And then I think, is that Jupiter? Can I see Jupiter from here? Ok, I’ll call Neil, (Neil deGrasse Tyson) and then I realize I don’t have his number. I don’t know him. He doesn’t know me. And I cry.


Elizabeth Oltman: Yes! Thank you, Elizabeth! You’re the only one that wished me ‘happiest birthday wishes,’ so, yours were, officially, the happiest. Haha, thank you! So, I don’t know when, or how, or even if…. but IF I ever do find myself in ole Shermtown, let’s hang out. We’ll trade stories, swap Pokemon, deal cards, drink shots, have a rap battle… I dunno. Okay, so we don’t have to do any of those things. I’m just spit-balling here. When you brainstorm, you’re just supposed to write stuff down, yeah? Ahhh, we’ll figure it out.

Caitlin Gallo: Hah, thanks Caitlin. It… it does sound like I’m dead, from your facebook post. Like an, ‘oh, happy birthday, we lost Shane too soon, he is missed,’ I don’t think that’s what you meant but, I mean… you do know I’m not dead, right? I think maybe after I left the city and dropped off the map, and you moved to LA, did people just assume I died? If so, no one is far off from the truth. I’m plenty dead on the inside.

Stephanie Millien: Hey, Stephanie, my Trivia Crack buddy. Thanks! I miss playing with you! Haha, I haven’t been playing Trivia Crack though because I’m tired of all the ads. Really, they can be a drain on ya. Not to mention an eyesore. Oh, and they always have the most annoying music and sound effects and stuff. It’s the worst. And I dig TC, but not enough to have to pay just so I won’t see ads. Spotify is already gettin my money. Not you too, Trivia Crack!!

Meh… I dunno, I’m sure I’ll be back on in a bit.

Josh Key: Yo Josh. Thanks man. I really appreciate. Dude, you’re like a hardcore og friend. We’ve been buds since, like, forever. Remember sleepovers at your place and watching Sailor Moon? Those were the times. I still have that freakin song (mostly) memorized. I mean, it is a jam. I’ve got to fit fighting evil into my nightlife schedule, mostly so I can start winning love by daylight. If Meatball Head has taught me anything though, it’s that that life ain’t easy.

Monica Tyson: Monica! Thank you! I miss working with ya! Soon–hopefully very soon—I will pick up a shift for CWAT. Ooh, and we can go out drinking again. Remember that time we all went out to Moontower? That was awesome. Damn, I miss everybody from that place…. but hey, I kind of did what you told me to do. You were all like, ‘get your shit together Shane, you’re an adult.’ I mean, I’m kind of getting it together…

Triv: Thanks brope. I’ll bet you didn’t think that I knew that it was National Boss’s Day as well as my birthday. Jokes on you sucker. I play on a trivia team. I’m a goddamn sponge. I retain info like a sponge retains water: really, really, really well. Did you know sponges were like, alive and shit? Like, before we used them? I did. I play on a trivia team.

Let’s go gamble again sometime.

Megan McCarthy: Aww, Megan. Thank you. It was kick arse, but it would have been even better if you were there. Haha. Seriously, I’m really glad I met you, and I wish we could’ve spent more time together during that summer… I still think about us hanging on your roof sometimes. Time spent with you was always pretty, I dunno, therapeutic. You’re a wicked smart person, especially spiritually. I hope all is well, and I hope the universe puts us on the same roof again sometime later in our lives.

Adani Sanchez: Ah! Adani, thanks. Now, ‘great’ is a strong word. I’m not going to say my birthday was ‘great’ per se, but it was ‘pretty good.’ And when you think about it, that ain’t bad. I mean, certainly, good isn’t bad. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Thank you, though. And may the force be with you.

Julia Collier: Oh, damn Julia! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would say you’re too kind, but that’s impossible. I mean, people can’t be too kind, can they? Anyway, you’re fucking awesome, and I miss you a lot, and every so often I get bummed that you didn’t move here to Austin. But, you’re Los Angeles, which is where I wanted to be at this point in my life. Ugh, I’m jealous. But thank you for the birthday wish, and I hope you’re killing it out there. Stay golden, grrl.

Nick Edwards: Thanks, buddy. My biggest regret this Oct 16 was not spending my it with you. You’re a true comrade, and I don’t deserve your friendship. Thank you for spoiling me.

Laurissa Lynn: Laurissa, thank you. Things are well for me. In large part this is due to the fact that I am not, physically in a well. I mean, if you’d ever like to take a look at your life, you know, put it in perspective, you can always just think ‘at least I’m not stuck inside a well.’ Because honestly, that’s like a death sentence, falling into a well. Especially if there’s water in it. And if there’s no water, guess what? You’ve probably broken something. No fun.

Okay, well what’re you up to? How’s life? I miss working at the B&G club with you and Ashley and co. I hope life is peachy for ya, and you get to meet J Cole soon.

Estevan Aviles: Yo, thanks, man. Hey, it was great seeing you a while back for my Dad’s BDay party. I hope I do see you around sometime! I’m always getting those board game night notifications and updates; one day I’ll show up. Like, seriously, we go too long without hanging with each other, and we’ve known each other too long for that shit. Don’t you live in Austin, man!?! (Do you? I could be wrong about that…)

Nicky Lopez-Ryan: Heyy grrl hey! Thank you so much. Man, I have seen you in forever, Nicky! Ugh. Okay. So a confession: Well, I guess it’s not really a confession because you probably already knew, but I had such a crush on you in high school. Haha, remember us on that journalism trip together? God, I was awkward. Anyway, you’re the bee’s knees, and I hope life is going swimmingly for you. PS, remember band? Are you still playing the trumpet? You were a beast…

ZEKE: Dude, thank you! I fucking can’t believe I still haven’t gone out to see one of your shows. I’m pretty much a pathetic excuse for a human being, but that ain’t news. Anywhooo, we’ve gotta hang out sometime. You gotta come scope out my apartment. What’s your schedule like? HIT ME UP!

Anneliese Carter: ANNELIESE! Thank you!! Danng, it’s been a while. How are you? Where are you? Look. If you’re ever in Austin, hit me up. I owe you a Sundae. I haven’t forgotten. I won’t forget. I never forget. … I mean, I quite often forget things, but I won’t forget our Sundae. Your Sundae. The Sundae I owe you. It’s yours. But you gotta come and get it. Or, like, if I’m ever where you live, I guess we could figure something out at that point… I dunno. All I know is we’re family (kind of) and I want to see you again before I go blind.

Not that I’m actively going blind right now. Sure my eyesight is getting worse daily, but we’re all just on a steady decline till we hit the grave, right? My point is… I… I forgot that point that I was making.

Uhhhhleesha? : Grrl, that Nic Cage photo made my day. Thanks a million. You’re too fucking cool for me. Why are we even friends on FACEBOOK? I don’t get it. You know, looking back, the only reason I even knew you in HS was because I was dating L. Mendoza for a hot minute. I mean, Jesus, I don’t even know if that girl is still alive. (I kid, I kid.) You don’t need to bother with me anymore. Cast me aside. I am dead weight. Leave me beeehinnnnddddddddddd………..!

Momma: Your card making skills were on point, mom. Haha, thanks so much for everything. The cake, the dinner, the jelly beans… But you know, also thanks for like, giving birth to me and raising me and stuff. I gotta say, outta all the cool people I’m giving shout outs to here, you’re definitely my favorite. Go figure, I guess. Love you, M.O.M.!!!


Matthew: Dude, how’re you holding NY down? Everything kosher up there? I mean, I don’t think you’re Jewish… I’m not Jewish… I don’t know why I asked if stuff was ‘kosher.’ but I think you got my drift. Anyway, if you’re in Austin, hit. Me. Up. We will hang. Have you ever even been to Austin before? Dude. Make the trip. It’s a rad city.

Jacque: Thanks cos! It was awesome meeting you this year, even if the circumstances that brought us together were sad. Also, road tripping back into town (Austin) was pretty groovy, too. I’m bummed we didn’t get to hang more when you were in town, but that just means next time you’re in my neck of the woods we’ve gotta chill. I have some friends I think you’d really dig.

Caroline: Thannnk you!! You’re another one of those people where I’m like, ‘why don’t we hang out more?’ and then I realize, ‘oh, you’re like really far north I think.’ And then I realize, ‘Wait, I’m not sure where Caroline and Jeffery live.’ And then I’m like, ‘do they even live together?’ And then I stop with these stupid questions and just repeat myself. Thannnk you!!

Honorable Mentions:

Okay, so for the folks that didn’t make it to the FACEBOOK wall, thank y’all anywayyyys!

Work people, the girls from Marketing, etc: Everyone at work made me feel real special, and my team took me out to eat. Thanks guys and gals. Y’all are the best.


Kyle: Dude, it was great to hear from you on my birthday. My SECOND biggest regret this past 16th of Oct. was not being able to see your goddamn gorgeous face. I miss you man. More than I can articulate. Thanks for the birthday wishes, and thanks for being in my life. Thanks just… everything.

Chex: Haha, thanks for the wishes, grrl! It was great getting to see you while you were in Austin. Here’s to hoping I visit NOLA soon or you end up moving to the ATX in the future!

Michaela: Ahhh! haha, thanks for the birthday wishes! Let’s hang when you get back into town, yes?

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Luke: Dude, thank you kindly friend. I can’t wait to see you Saturday…. that is assuming Austin and the nearby surrounding cities don’t get washed away in a flood of biblical proportions. amirite?

Simone!: Thanks for the wishes old (girl) friend! Even if you were off by a day… I miss ya, and I hope you and the beau can make it out to Austin soon.

Perisan_persuasion: ololol, thanks for the birthday wishes thru the instagrams. You seem like a fucking rock star. (I ate the lasagna I saved for you…)

Evan: Heyyy brother! Thanks for the wishes and the picture. Seriously dude, that picture you sent was one of the best gifts I received. You’re the man, brooooo. Love you lots. And be safe up in Denton.

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Casey: Heyyy, brother! Thanks for the message, amigo. Hope all is well with ya. I really do wish I could’ve seen you on the 16th.
Well. Hindsight and all that. Be good. Be safe. Love you, man.    

I’m sure I’ve missed some people who wished me well on or around my birthday, and for that, I am sorry. Forgive me, please.

So, thanks again all! I’m glad we’re all alive on this big, miraculous, hunk of rock in space. If you’re not feeling sad sometimes, you’re not living. If you’re not happy sometimes, you’re still living, but it’s a miserable fucking existence. Don’t let the bastards grind you down; stay cool, hang loose, admit nothing,

and listen to Taylor Swift’s ‘Blank Space’ on the daily.


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